to be continued...

September was the month we would have needed to get pregnant in order to have 3 kids born in June, each 2 years apart... it didn't happen and for good reason, we didn't try (TMI?). i don't know if i'm sad about that fact or not. while it definitely would have been cool to have our family so structured and i do love structure, truth be told we just can't afford a 3rd child right now. it really would be irresponsible to add to our family at this time. however it was definitely tempting to be wreckless and live life permanently poor but rich in children.

another issue for us and further reproduction is my health. while not pregnant i'm very healthy, pregnancy does do some damage to my body. actually the pregnancy isn't so bad, minus the normal pregnancy wooes, it's the birth (which would be an elective Cesarean this time around because i can't take another try with natural childbirth only to fail) that is no fun... except meeting the baby who minutes later gives you a super dose of reality when it wants to eat, sleep & poop all at the same time! also after Cameron i had a blood clot in my leg which is a big medical deal and warrants giving myself blood thinner shots daily with any future pregnancy and who wants to do that?! and don't even get me started on breastfeeding & pumping... the single hardest (both physically & emotionally) thing i've ever tried to do!! i think adoption, which has been on my heart since i can remember, will be our method of family building in the future.

i still can't help but feel utterly sad at the thought of not having anymore babies. i love watching the kids grow & discover the world around them. i could have never predicted the love i feel for these kids and i can't help but want more of that. who knows, we're still young right? my hope is that we get ourselves "together" and then be able to add to our family thru foster adoption... maybe a sibling group! i've always wanted a large family... although that was before i knew how stinkin' hard it is to raise children!! i get comfort in thinking about families that have both an 18 year old and a 3 year old. i constantly have to tell myself that this isn't the end it's just the beginning!